Today is the day I usually TRY to dedicate to worship. I head from devotions to grabbing my hymnbook, fasting from electronics. Truth be told, I think I’ve failed this more often then I’ve succeeded. When I see the red light flashing on my phone it’s like a siren, I must check it.
I wasn’t really going to bother worshiping today. I’m sure the Lord would understand that my heart is too sad to try. If I can’t give my best, why give any at all?
Is that wrong way of thinking?
“Faith is the Victory.”
“Yesterday, Today, Forever, Jesus is the Same.”
“My Hope is Built on Nothing Less.”
I was doing fine, until the last one. The sickening despair.
I was talking to my mom this morning, via email, of course. I told her I was sorry to still be blubbering, and just to have a sounding board was comforting enough, even if she never reads… rather, wades through my novel-sized emails. I suppose, the same could be said here. If it’s read, that’s good. If not, I’m fine with that too. At this point, it’s just to get this horrid pain off my chest. I honest would never wish this upon my worst enemy. Lord, let me have no enemies, each soul is someone You formed, fashioning with love and care. Your hand upon them even in their mother’s womb. A baby. Your masterpiece. Help me to covet the souls of men.
Speaking of coveting the souls of men, I was nauseated reading Proverbs 29 this morning.
Proverbs 29:10 The bloodthirsty hate the upright: but the just seek his soul.
How long as it been since I’ve seen human beings with the eyes of Christ? Oh, I pray for it, but it’s half-hearted sometimes. As long as I make it… Over the past 48 hours, everything’s changed. And, I’m still far from perfect. I still don’t have the prayers and prostrate position. All I have is great big tears that just won’t stop. Lord, help me intercede. Let me seek men’s souls for the Kingdom.
So I sang, “…all other ground is sinking sand.”
Have I ever thought about this tragic song before this way? When you’re walking and your foot sink a bit inside the mud, do you panic? Not really. It’s a gradual sinking, gradual, gradual until you are overcome. Maybe you know you’re sinking, but the rope is within reach, for now, and it’s not a pressing desire to be free.
The pleasures of the world are consuming, though fleeting. One leads to another, to a topup, to another bit. Keep it coming. The crash and burn is miserable, it’s better to keep the buzz going. The rope is still within sight. But the eyesight is becoming dim and hazy that you can no longer gauge the distance needed to yank.
It wasn’t a plan.
It wasn’t the aim to leave this world. It was a high. A pleasure. A much needed fix. A game. Fun. It wasn’t meant to go this far.
The alternative, for those that reject Christ is very, very real. Irreversible.
Proverbs 29:1 He, that being often reproved hardeneth his neck, shall suddenly be destroyed, and that without remedy.
I died a little more inside.
I suppose it made it a bit worse. Reading Deuteronomy 30 as Moses again makes it pointedly clear of the blessings and curses. He cries out, “So choose life!”
” I call heaven and earth to record this day against you, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing: therefore choose life, that both thou and thy seed may live:”
His commandments aren’t burdensome.
You loved pleasure. This earth, even as Christ’s, doesn’t offer pleasure. But in heaven, is pleasures forevermore.Why didn’t you choose life?
In Deuteronomy 30:11-14, Moses says the people have no excuse, as it was for them, so it is for us. God has made sure, despite the persecution, that the Bible remained. Heaven and earth passes away, but not His Word. It is accessible.
Truth was there.
Life was there.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it…
We’re so gullible, pathetic, weak, stubborn. We wander away, and God in righteousness sends punishment. Come back! Choose life!
Moses offered hope. Hope to the weary one. Hope to the backslider. Hope to the tired. Hope to the one who went astray. God leans forward, His ear open, His eyes attentive. A prayer of repentance. Forgiveness comes in like a flood. He waits, He longs to save. (Deuteronomy 30:1-10)
I wish you’d chose life.
All other ground is sinking sand. You see that now.