So, here’s the situation. I have gone through what I would not wish on an enemy. Today, actually, makes one month since his passing and my heart is only starting to “survive.” It’s been a time of great sorrow, of trying to just put one foot in front of the other. I have done little writing, and the writing I have done I can imagine is choppy at best. Of course, I’ve always said that it’s not my words anyway, so that kind of makes me feel a bit better that it’s not my words that will do much effect but God who draws the heart.
Can I just say? I’m glad it’s not all on me. The weight is more than I can bear, especially now.
A heart is a strange thing. Incredibly fragile.
Regardless, it’s been a rough go. Some days were spent weeping so much that I lost my voice. Some days were so hard to simply get out of bed. Some days I chewed my tongue before I snapped.
It’s been rough.
And the enemy I really do believe attacks during these times especially. Alone and vulnerable. Mind all over the place. Battling offense that no one can understand what I’m going through and yet screaming inwardly why are you all forsaking me. And I mean that with utmost respect.
Feelings trump faith in times like this.
Where is God? Why do I feel alone?
God is good to me.
He came over and over with assurance that I was NOT alone and my mind was blank.
I praise God because I really feel I was losing my mind. And I’m thankful that even though it went blank and even now is borderline smush, He kept it.
Faithful is He!
He IS my Keeper.
Our sister at church said that when you go through hell like this you come out with a testimony and sure enough, I did.
It’s probably as lame as my real testimony of salvation, but ITS MINE. And God is faithful and wonderful to me.
Unfortunantly life, when it spits cruely at you, doesn’t stop at one thing. More and more arise. Rocks just out and cut you as you’re stumbling,as is forward. If it’s not in your home, it’s affecting those incredibly close to you.
It’s hard to hold on when you have the weight of the world on your shoulder.
I’d like to say that things are “better now” all around, but I’m not going to lie. Today is as bad as yesterday as bad as last week. But God is keeping me. And in Him I’m safe.
As previously mentioned my brain is less than stellar. Like really bad still, so I can’t remember for the life of me how the conversation started or how it went, but I was talking with my sister and I mentioned about Moses. Moses did EVERYTHING right, he had the patience I can only long for.
He was godly, obedient… and yet in one instant he disqualified. Not because of God. But because of him.
He retaliated poorly when provoked.
Oh I know I’ve blogged about this several times now.
I come across it so many times. Once saved, always saved, and while I refuse to debate it, I long to refute it.
Please don’t fall for that.
I mentioned to my sister that even though all hell turns, we have to be so careful that we don’t do a Moses and disqualify ourselves, even in the heat of the moment.
Now, I’m not saying that God doesn’t forgive, but I don’t want to be like Israel of old that provoked Him. I don’t want to sin that grace may avound.
Am i perfect?
No. No where near.
I see my imperfections daily.
And, as usual I wonder how such a wonderful, glorious God even looks at me.
My sister, lovingly reading my blogs pointed out a verse I’d used last year when I’d first begun. Isaiah… somewhere.
It says along the lines of the nations are nothing before Him.
She said, “What then is one man?”
Nothing. Less then nothing.
Now, I can’t remember if this part above is actually vital to this blog, but it’s worth noting anyway as I go back to where I was starting with.
With Moses fresh on my mind, I turned to Acts. I’m nearly finished it. Acts is an incredible book!
Paul is giving his testimony- again. And he said something that I never saw before. Or lingered on.
Acts 26:9-11 I verily thought with myself, that I ought to do many things contrary to the name of Jesus of Nazareth. Which thing I also did in Jerusalem: and many of the saints did I shut up in prison, having received authority from the chief priests; and when they were put to death, I gave my voice against them. And I punished them oft in every synagogue, and compelled them to blaspheme; and being exceedingly mad against them, I persecuted them even unto strange cities.
“… compelled them to blaspheme…”
That’s it. 4 words that make me quiver.
We are not responsible for what these people do what we are responsible and will be judged for our own behavior towards them. If the devil can convince us through people to blaspheme the name of the Lord, he’s won their souls and ours.
Moses situation again.
See, we can be justified in our response to them, and even claim it as “holy anger”… but is it?? We can be justified in our words, thoughts, and actions because of their cruelty but we are going to give account for OURSELVES.
I’ll wrap this up. Sometimes I don’t think it takes a multitude of words.
The only comfort I see out of this is God knows we’re pathetic and still somehow He delights enough to forgive and continue molding